Changing Toddler Behaviors with a Family Meeting
Toddlers are so much fun and full of energy, but they're also little people with their own minds. This can lead to some challenging situations when your toddler's behavior isn't what you expect.
In this post, I’ll show you how to approach your toddler's behavioral issues by having a family meeting with the child, their parents or adults, and anyone else who may be involved in the situation at hand. We'll cover common scenarios that arise during those meetings—why they happen and how to resolve them. We'll also give you tips for keeping your cool throughout the process.
Family meetings can be used for any behavior that you want to change, not just sleep. Sleep, eating (picky eating), chores, and big life changes are popular times and topics for family meetings. At my house, we’ve had family meetings about how to properly handle big feelings, establishing family rules (we need to have this one again soon), to reiterate that the bedtime routine is in fact permanent, when we introduced a toddler bed and when we moved across the country.
But first things first: What is a family meeting?
A family meeting is a time when everyone involved in dealing with a problem comes together to talk about it. It gives everyone an opportunity to express their feelings about what's going on while helping them come up with solutions they can all agree on—or at least compromises that work for everyone involved!
Providing clarity on upcoming changes to expectations will help everyone involved be successful.
Before you begin, make sure that you are in a safe, quiet place, and that your toddler is happy and relaxed.
Before you begin, make sure that you are in a safe, quiet place, and that your toddler is happy and relaxed. You want your child to be engaged and ready to listen--if they are not in a good mood at the moment (or if there was something stressful going on), wait until another time when their mind is at ease. I’m sure you know from experience that your toddlers cannot hear or understand you in the midst of a tantrum. Wait until the time is right and all is good from their perspective before having the meeting. Then get everyone and everything all together in the living or dinning room.
Explain the purpose of your meeting.
It’s time to outsmart your toddler.
In order for your toddler to be successful with meeting your new expectations and overall goals, they need to have clarity with what's going to happen, and also get onboard with the changes. They need to take ownership and feel empowered with these changes…make them think it's their idea and they'll be more invested than if it's someone else's idea.
Explain the purpose of your meeting. This is an important step, and it's one that many parents forget. Toddlers need to understand why you're having this discussion in the first place!
Let’s say your meeting is about bedtime and the behaviors your child is exhibiting at that time of the evening.
Discuss acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Once you've established what your toddler's perspective is, it's time for them to understand what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable in your home.
Go over what’s currently happening at bedtime. What is good about it? What is bad about it? What would you like to see changed?
“When it’s bedtime, we go the bathroom and take a bath. You love bath time! In fact, you love it so much that you don’t ever want to get out of the tub. Then you start to splash water and that’s not okay.”
Listen respectfully when they speak their mind about these rules--and take notes! You never know which words will stick with them until later on down the road when they become more aware of their surroundings and environment (or even just another day).
Describe the situation or behavior you want to change.
When you're ready, it's time to describe the situation or behavior you want to change. You might say something like "When it’s time to get out of the bathtub, I don’t like it when you splash me. It gets me wet and it makes the floor slippery, which isn’t safe. I’d like to do it differently. How do you think we can do this differently?" Then, give your child time to respond. It’s important that they feel their voice is heard and their opinion is valued.
Invite your toddler to help figure out ways to solve the problem.
As previously mentioned, once you've identified the problem and its cause, invite your toddler to help figure out ways to solve it. Let them know that you want their help. Explain that you want to work together on a solution and ask for suggestions from them based on what they think would be best for everyone involved in this situation. Listen carefully as they speak and give them time to finish talking before responding with your own thoughts or ideas.
Be specific: Describe exactly what should happen in detail so your child knows exactly what is expected of them. “When it’s almost time to get out of the tub, I will give you a two-minute warning. Then, when two minutes is up - we can even use a timer! - you will let me know which towel you’d like me to dry you off with. You’ll step out of the tub nicely, without splashing.
Listen carefully: If there are any questions from either party involved during this conversation (like why is mommy being so silly?!), make sure both sides get heard before moving forward!
Introduce motivation through the use of logical rewards and consequences.
I personally and professionally avoid rewards and reward charts, instead I like to use logical rewards and consequences. I believe children should have self motivation to want to cooperate and believe logical rewards and consequences builds self trust and self confidence. Here are some examples of what this looks like.
Logical rewards: Let’s say your toddler exhibits the behavior you spoke about at the family meeting, you know the one you want to see. What should you do? Well you want to let them know you saw this behavior, so go ahead and praise them for making the smart choice! High five them, give them a hug, compliment them and throw an impromptu 1 song dance party! Then let them know that because they didn't splash and you didn't have to clean up the water, you had time to dance! After all, toddlers just want to spend more time with you having fun.
Logical consequence: Let’s say your toddler exhibits the behavior you spoke about at the family meeting, you know the one you don’t want to see. What should you do? Well you want to let them know you saw this behavior, go over how he could have behaved instead and give them a chance to do it over, so that they can make a smarter choice. 90% of the time a second chance gets them motivated enough to make the right choice a second time around. Then let them know that because they did splash, the consequence is that they must help you clean up the water and that tomorrow is a new day, where they will have an opportunity to make the smarter choice.
Talk about your plan and what that will look like so your toddler knows what to expect.
Teach your child what’s going to happen. Answer their questions as you go. If you’re chatting about bedtime specifically, this is a great time to introduce a toddler clock and how that works. Make it fun! Wrap it up and have your child open it. This will help get them excited about the changes that are coming and get them to “buy in” and take ownership of this process.
Include them in the discussion and add “rules” to a poster together during your meeting. They can decorate with markers and stickers while you discuss the rules. Hang the poster in their room at night and remind them of the rules as you’re going through your bedtime routine.
By having a family meeting to talk about behavior changes, everyone has an opportunity to be heard and work together on solutions.
Explain the purpose of your meeting.
Describe the situation or behavior you want to change, and ask for suggestions from your toddler.
Invite your toddler to help figure out ways to solve the problem. You can do this by asking open-ended questions like "What can we do?" or "How should we handle this?" instead of yes/no questions like "Did you put away your toys?" or "Did you remember to brush your teeth?"
Introduce motivation through logical reward and consequences so everyone feels good about themselves when they finish working together on solutions!
One more thing to mention…it's not always one family meeting and that's it. If, six months later, sleep (or whatever the behavior is) gets off track, have another meeting! Get back on track and stay consistent. With my own 4-year-old we probably have a family meeting every 6-12 months.
I hope that these tips will help you have a successful family meeting with your toddler. Remember, it's important to make sure everyone feels heard and included in the process. If you’re not sure how to run a family meeting in regards to your child’s sleep, this is one of the strategies included in my toddler sleep program! You can learn more about my toddler packages here.
