Getting Your Partner Involved/On Board with Improving Your Child’s Sleep

Do you have a child who is a diva too?? Let me tell you about my Marlene Lourdes aka Lulu.

She’s exclusively breastfed (just over a year at the time of this blog). Prior to our big move from Colorado to Florida she had never taken a bottle or pacifier. I’m telling you, she’s such a diva!!

Here was the dilemma though - around this time she was 10-months-old - and I was the one who needed to fly down to Florida to find us a house. My husband thought this would be the best option for our family since he thought I would know better about what our family needs (he’s not wrong).

But I was freaking out because what would Lulu do?! She’s never taken a bottle, and if my boobs were seven states away would she just starve herself for the week I’d be gone??

So, I asked her pediatrician. I shared my concerns. She looked at my daughter, she looked back at me, and she said, “Your daughter is in the 70th percentile. You’re good to go. There’s no way she’d starve herself, and even if she won’t take milk from a bottle, she can just eat extra dairy for the week. She’ll get what she needs from her solids. Don’t worry about it.”

Okay, well then, what about her nighttime nursing sessions? At this point she was still feeding 1-2 times per night.

I love our pediatrician because she tells it like it is. She said, knowing full well what I do for a living, “Well, Ariana, you know better than me…she doesn't need to be fed at night.” Ha!

I knew it. But it was just like I wanted, maybe even needed, the permission from someone else that it was going to be okay for us to stop feeding at night.

Leading up to my trip, I pumped milk and bought three new bottles and 2 new sippy cups with the hope that Lulu would at least take to one of them while I was away. I instructed my husband - “When she wakes for a feed, go in with a bottle or a sippy cup and offer it to her.”

A few nights later, and in my first days alone since having Lulu I’m enjoying the Florida sunshine and my mission to find us a new home. My husband called.

“Lulu woke up last night so I did what you told me to do. I brought her a bottle.”

“How did it go?” I asked.

“She took the bottle out of my hand and threw it across the room. She doesn’t need night feeds. She’s not hungry. I’m cutting the night feeds and night weaning her while you’re gone,” he said.

And, that, mi amigos, is how it’s done! Go on a week long trip to Florida, leave your kids with your husband, and he will do the night time sleep training while you’re gone! You’ll return home to a baby who is sleeping 10-12 hours at night.

Okay, okay, but in all seriousness, having the non-breastfeeding partner do the majority of the sleep training/night weaning, at least early on in the process, can be SUPER helpful, and it’s something I recommend to all of my clients if possible. Going seven states away isn’t totally necessary, but if you’re into bougie things, why not?!

Sleep Training a Nursed Baby with Help From the Non-Nursing Partner

Since I primarily work with moms who breastfeed, the babies often have a strong eat-to-sleep association. A lot of them know they want to create change but don’t necessarily want to step back and allow change to happen (um, hello, I literally needed to be seven states away!).

Most of the moms I work with also don’t feel okay with their baby crying and at the same time want to be very involved in the process.

Because the eat-to-sleep association can be SO STRONG, I often have to explain to them, especially if they’re the ones doing the checks at night, this can actually make things more difficult for the baby, making them more upset and escalating things if they’re not going to feed them.

Here’s what I recommend:

• First off, move the last feeding of the day to the beginning of the bedtime routine…right before bathtime, and keep your baby awake.

• The breastfeeding partner can and should help with the bedtime routine.

• The non-breastfeeding partner can implement the sleep training method the first 3-5 nights and days of sleep training.

• All wake ups at night that are not scheduled feedings (Yes, you CAN still feed your baby at night. Sleep training and night weaning are NOT the same thing.) should be handled by the non-breastfeeding partner.

• If the baby wakes and is due for a feed, the breastfeeding partner should go in right away and offer the feed. The baby should go back to sleep fairly easily on their own after the feeding. For some reason, if they don’t, the non-breastfeeding partner can take over again.

You’re basically just teaching your baby another way of falling asleep - without the boob - and supporting them as they learn. It’s helpful to have the non-breastfeeding partner do the supporting the first few days and nights of sleep training so it’s not confusing or harder for the baby to learn by being distracted by boobs or the smell or sight of mom.

If you find that you need a plan, support, or guidance as you make these changes, I can help! You can set up a complimentary call with me by filling out this form.