Sleep Training & Bed-Sharing
I recently had 2 discovery calls with parents that bed-shared. Like most parents, they didn’t intend to bed-share but out of sheer exhaustion they started. They explained how when their children were infants, bed-sharing actually worked for them. However, now that their children were toddlers it wasn’t really working, because they had to nap and sleep with their children. You see their children had not learned how to sleep independently and looked for them for the onset of sleep and to fall back asleep during those night wakings. This meant that these parents had no alone time, no time to re-charge and meant that their children were frankly not getting enough sleep. Both of these parents knew their children were incredibly overly tired, they both mentioned how they were irritable, fussy and whiny pretty much all day, but they just didn’t know how to get them more sleep. It’s not like they could alter their schedule to match their toddlers schedule, one parent had a second baby that was a few months old and the other had a full time job.
My heart went out to these parents, as I had been there myself with my son. I too had bed-shared when my son was an infant & at first it worked for us but then I started to find myself even more exhausted, frustrated and even resenting my son for needing me to sleep. I truly empathized with them and understood exactly where they were. So I asked them why they were seeking help now, and they both answered because the sleeping arrangements and exhaustion was causing issues in their life, including their relationships with their partners. I again could completely relate to this as I had experienced the same thing with my son, his sleep and my relationship with my husband.
I then explained how I customize a sleep plan based on their family and child, how I work 1-on-1 with families for 3 weeks at a time, how I stay in constant contact during the 3 weeks and how I help guide them through the sleep training process. They immediately sounded incredibly hopeful but I knew I had to ask one last/hard question, a question that helps me determine if families are really ready. I asked if they were willing to stop bed-sharing? And both parents immediately said no, both of them had their own reasons, yet both of them still wanted to sleep train their children. I completely respected that they knew what they wanted and that they were honest with me.
As much as I wanted to help them, I had to be completely honest with them. So I let them know that sleep training while bed-sharing is not something I do. Because I dont think it’s fair for the child, as we are expecting them to change the way they sleep, without changing where they sleep. Think about it this way, when you decide you're going to start eating healthier, don’t you change the way you meal plan, grocery shop and even the way you meal prep. Yes, you do, why? Because you have to. You can’t expect change without making changes.
During the calls, I gave them this exact example and then asked them to put themselves in their toddler’s shoes. I said “Imagine being your child when you are sleep training. So now your parents have a whole new set of expectations/rules on how you will sleep and they are now answering to your cries/needs in a completely different way, however you are still sleeping in their room, in their bed, right next to them.” Confusing right?
The truth is that you can try to improve sleep by making changes, like making sure the room is conducive to sleep, the schedule you are following is age appropriate and ensuring that you have a nap/bedtime routine in place. But we can’t formally sleep train while bed-sharing and if you tried, it would leave a lot of room for inconsistencies, which is a recipe for disaster! How so? Well inconsistencies lead to confusion, confusion leads to frustration, frustration leads to anger, anger leads to tears, tears lead to more inconsistencies and then we get into this disastrous cycle, that is NOT fair for any child.
Instead of telling them that I could help them, that I could work with them, I let them know that I didn’t think this was the right time to work together, because when we work together I want you to be ready to move your child out of your room and into their own crib/bed. If you are emotionally and mentally ready for this change then you will be comfortable and confident in the sleep plan. And being comfortable with the plan will help lessen the inconsistencies, helping the process go as smoothly as possible for you but most importantly for the child.
So if you are ready to stop bed-sharing and are ready to get your bed back, book a discovery call with me. Let’s get your family that sleep that they need & deserve.
